So, we did it. First event of the season completed, over the finish line and I only threw up once. Result!

I spent the week running up to it quite surprised at myself – I was actually more excited than I was nervous. Here I was going into an event the most well prepared I’d ever been, and I was going to give it my best shot and NOT hold myself to any ridiculous standards or compare myself to anyone else. Consequently, I didn’t look at Facebook for a week beforehand!

We’d been to Poplar Park once before, at the end of 2017 when Rachel was helping us like jumping again. We did a pairs hunter trial at 80, and then Socks and I went on our own. That was our first cross country completion, and not only that, we were clear! So, going back felt almost like homecoming.

It was such a windy day that Mum was more worried about driving the lorry than she was about us competing. Socks, on the other hand (thankfully) had taken a leaf out of Gem’s book and was profoundly not bovved.

We got there early, walked the course, and by then I was keen to get started. The nerves were creeping in.

Dressage is always our chill time before the adrenaline kicks in. Socks warmed up really nicely in the wind – I couldn’t have asked any more from her at all. By the side of our arena was an upturned wheelbarrow. And, it was pink. I saw a wheelbarrow, and, as expected, Socks saw a dragon. But we had a discussion about it, decided it wasn’t going to eat anybody, and to my surprise, Socks actually believed me for once. We did a solid test, even if we did get the dreaded bell for walking a marker too early. Oops. And then the judge decided to change three of our 7s to 6.5s after the test had finished, I saw on the sheet. Since it still came out at 33.5, I couldn’t really complain.

Onto showjumping, and yet again we had to have a discussion about the flags and banners outside the shops alongside the arena. And yet again, once we got jumping, Socks believed me when I told her they were pinned down and couldn’t get to her to eat her. She warmed up well, I remembered to kick, and in we went.

I don’t know what happened approaching the first fence. I froze, fixated on the bottom of the fence, and of course Socks ground to a halt.

That woke me up, I can tell you.

Round again, all the kicks, and off we went. Since I was going for forward and positive we took the front pole of fence six with us, but that was a sacrifice I was willing to take.

Eight faults was better than elimination!

From then it was a race against time to get on the cross country course before the adrenaline drained away and the nerves started to kick in. By now my calves were starting to ache, and I knew there was more kicking on to come. Get a grip, Heath, I told myself. It’s only five more minutes!

Under starters orders, while I was doing my best to gee Socks up so we could leave the box with some oomph, I hear a voice above the wind:

Heather! BREAAATHE!

It was Rachel, who’d popped down after her round to make sure I didn’t lose the plot. Not only did I breathe, I grinned as well.

“And KICK!!” Finished Mum from behind me.

3, 2, 1, and off we went. I fumbled with my whip and yet again, Socks slid to a stop in front of the first fence.

I was FURIOUS with myself.

Yet again, it was the kick up the arse I needed and we then bopped round clear. Socks did make me work for it – after having one stop she was a bit unsure of herself, so I had to be confident for both of us. See, we can do it when I kick on and breathe!

Of course, me being me, I couldn’t just be happy that we’d completed our second ever BE event. Or that I’d overcome my nerves and ridden Socks round clear (barring the false start). I can’t put into words how much just a few voice messages with Phoebe helped. She has a special talent for bringing out the best in people and I couldn’t be more grateful. She pointed out to me that just six months ago, I fell to pieces after making a mistake, and riding as positively as I did would have been completely unheard of. And she was right.

As a result, I’ve made a pact to be nicer to myself. How can I expect to improve and enjoy my horse if I never accept anything I do as good enough? There are always going to be people doing better than me, and that’s OK. I’ll always want to achieve the next level, because that’s just who I am, but I’m never going to get there if I don’t stop to celebrate our successes.

So, a bit of a late decision, but I’m giving up negativity for Lent. And after Lent, too.